A need to evolve.
In the past few months, I have been having such a difficult time even wanting to be in the studio, I couldn’t stand what I was creating anymore, I was getting very frustrated … I felt dead inside.
So I more or less walked away from painting, for a bit, until I could figure out what was going on in my world that had me not wanting to paint, to create. Yet, everything seemed to be going so well in regards to having models willing to pose for me, of having a loving partner who allowed for me to paint and not worry over much about housework and such. I mean, damn, I really have it good when you stop to think of it, so why was I having so much angst.
For a few months now, I would try and sit in front of my easel and paint as I had, popping out paintings by the dozen every year, but this simple action was fast becoming an impossible ordeal, I was actually getting depressed at the mere idea of doing one more piece that didn’t feel different from all the others. Don’t get me wrong, I think my art, technically and message-wise is pretty damn good, but I was feeling stifled, I was choking and gasping for air.
Well, yesterday … I again, after a few weeks of not painting, sat down in front of that easel and just took the time to look at the painting that was on it, what about it had me not desiring to continue painting, what was that elusive element that seemed to have been disconnected in me.
And then it hit me, not just like an idea it,s one when coming up with a smart observation or new awareness, no, I mean it hit me like a world changing, landscape re-organizing natural upheaval, this was not what I was looking for or thought was wrong or needed changing.
I realize that I am fatigued, bored, feeling incomplete with my old approach to drawing and painting, it doesn’t go far enough. I was at a point where I felt like a hamster on a treadmill, going around in circles, knowing I could be doing something more, something better, something higher as far as visual quality is concerned.
I need to move forward, not in changing my style so much as bringing it to the next level of it’s evolution. I’m not bored with painting and drawing, in fact I’ve never felt more in need of creating than at this point in my life, no it’s that I needed to see and understand that I now have to go elsewhere with it, bring it to another level technically and that, I admit both frightens and elates me because now that I am aware of this, I can only embrace it.
My gaze is no longer on the immediate effects of light, color, tonalities but rather on their fuller spectrum, with an emphasis on atmosphere and textures. I wish to convey an ever more deeper sense of our humanity through emotions born out through attention to detail. I feel I had become too predictable in what was expected from me, even from myself.
I want to be able to bring the viewer into any one of my creations, both from a distance and then layer by layer, into more subtle and refined understanding of what is being communicated by me through it. In other words, I want my art to be like a multi course meal, one that is anticipated, well presented then enjoyed one layer at a time. The way in which I’m evolving may seem somewhat anachronistic but to me, it’s the way forward. I have this immense need to explore the subjects and topics I cherish through what is to many, an old seen before style … only what I’m creating really hasn’t and this is that specific level on which I operate, where I create.
If you took the time to read this note of mine, thank you, I love that you do and I hope to bring before you all, not a vastly different style of my art but a deeper, more intimate art.